Celebration or Commemoration

Posted On July 21, 2020

I had been dreading yesterday for some time. It was my late wife’s first birthday since her passing. She should’ve been 41; instead, she’ll be forever 40.

In contradiction to how I thought I’d feel, yesterday was a good day, albeit perhaps a little too busy.

The day stated with a work meeting, I was in a positive mood. I felt good. In the late afternoon, I went with the kids to the cemetery, my son had made a cake, and the kids had made cards that they wanted to readout.

I had decided that in the evening I was going to go out. I didn’t want to stay at home, and I wanted time for myself. I met with an old family friend, and we spent a few hours over dinner by a lake. It was relaxing, just what I needed.

However, today I crashed, building up to a crescendo by early evening. Tears forcing their way out. Why?

It could have been a delayed response to the events of yesterday. Perhaps, the actual realisation of my loss, that I’m finding it harder to be vulnerable around those that want to help me. The one person I truly felt comfortable being vulnerable in front of is gone. The idea I have to potentially rebuild the ability to feel comfortable with another person again, either now or in the future, is scary.

Today I felt utterly alone, the type of alone you feel when you don’t really want to discuss it with anyone. The alone that is hard to articulate. It’s so personal that you really, genuinely are alone with it.

This post was unplanned, it was supposed to be more of an outlet after a stressful day. I have no idea what I want to say, I have no idea where life is going to take me. But, I know it’s been six months, and I’m alive, which means I need to live. To live for me, to live for the kids and to live for my late wife – who has lost that ability. And in general, I want to live and to be alive.

This is a game with no rules, all possibilities are on the table, it just depends on which direction you wish to go. You write the rules as you go, and you have some wins and some losses along the way.

The idea of having no rules can be freeing, but it can also be daunting, an unknown world that needs to be navigated. Relearning skills that were developed way back, but that had been thrown by the wayside as they weren’t required.

Am I making any sense?

As I write, my mind is starting to reopen, to think clearly again. I’m beginning my recovery towards a more positive day tomorrow.

My brain is screaming at me to open the ice-cold beer sitting at my feet, a reward for surviving another day.

Cheers!