Grief and Disinterest in Survival: The Taboo Topic That Needs to Be Talked About

Posted On March 3, 2023

What is grief and how does in manifest in the early days?

Trigger warning: this post contains sensitive content about grief and the process of grieving.

When a person is grieving it can be hard to understand what they are suffering, partly because of lot of the feeling may be taboo, seen as a weakness, it may be too intimate, or be misunderstood.

Grief is not a disorder that can’t be treated using drugs. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s not something to be buried; that part has already happened and it’s what’s got us to this place!

Grief needs to be felt. It’s an emotional and physical response to loss, the price we pay for love. However, it’s a painful and lonely journey that a person must go through alone. The best support a person can give is to be present, to listen, not to give advice or make absurd suggestions.

Grief does not really follow rules. There is much written about the five stages of grief, but those of us that have experienced grief know that grief is not linear, it doesn’t follow a path, it can be random and hit you when you least expect it.

There is an aspect of grief that I never really understood until now. I couldn’t find an acceptable explanation for how I felt, but I feel I can now write about it as I’m in a better place. In the early days and during triggers it was a tough burden to carry; a taboo that couldn’t be discussed out of fear of the potential repercussions.

I want to provide a window into a process that is hard to comprehend and even harder for people to vocalise.

When a person is grieving, the feeling of waking up is not a comfort, but one of disappointment. This is grief; it doesn’t make you suicidal. The thought of not wanting to live is not the same as wanting to die.

I remember discussing this with my social worker in the early days. It was considered depression. We met together with the doctor and we decided I should be on antidepressants. But, was this the right decision?

A study published in 2016 in JAMA Psychiatry, titled, “Optimizing Treatment of Complicated Grief“, confirms that complicated grief is not depression and thus requires targeted therapy.

It’s hard to explain to explain to non-grieving people the feeling of utter despair, of not wanting to be here, as they become concerned. This happened to me on a number of occasions where people anonymously contacted the social services to voice their concerns.

These types of discussions upset people, hence we avoid talking about our true feelings, which is actually more dangerous.

The reality is that person suffering from grief sometimes does not care whether they live or die. It’s not the same as thoughts of suicide, it’s just an indifference to life.

When people try to offer encouragement and show the grieving person that they have so much to live for, it feels irrelevant. It’s impossible to try and convince someone not to grieve, it’s a process and these feelings are a part of the process.

Survival is not about looking towards the future, but finding a way to navigate the grieving process.

The feelings can range from not wanting to be here, to being tempted not to be here. And, again, this is not a suicidal tendency but a complete and utter indifference to life. It takes time, but a grieving person will pass this point, will lose these feelings as they process their grief.

It’s important that people are aware of a grieving person’s disinterest in survival, because being honest takes pressure off a person’s need to internalise their struggle.

Again, it’s important to emphasize that feeling like you don’t want to wake up in the morning is not the same as actually harming yourself.

I never wanted to harm myself, but I did have days that I felt I didn’t want to be present in this life. These feelings are very much in the past, but to be honest about them can help open a conversation and help understand what other people may be feeling.

The best advice to help a person in grief, is don’t judge, don’t try to offer advice, don’t suggest they are depressed. They are grieving, they need people to be present, to be open to listening and not to judge.